Top Secret Clearance

It surprises me that no one made me take a test to check to see if I was qualified to be a father.  What the fuck I had to take a test to flip burgers when I was fourteen.  I had to get a background check to drive a taxi, (I didn’t get that job by the way), and I had to take one to work with troubled teens.  I had to pass a pee test to get a job with heroin addicted prostitutes.  Not one questionnaire, multiple choice or fill in the dots test to bring home a cute, block-headed boy from the hospital 7 years ago.  I will admit one of the nurses was looking me up and down.  i figured well, this is it.  this is where they come and say “ahh…mr johnny boats we have some questions we would like to ask you before you leave the hospital with your son.”  It wasn’t.  It turns out she knew my mum and she wanted to know when she was coming in so they could consult over hair color products or some such shiite.  Someone at that time needed to pull me aside and explain how to change a diaper, make a bottle and explain that if your son has a bottle at two in the morning, and at 3 cries again, it isn’t necessary to feed him again.  Unless of course  your an amateur astrophysicist looking to watch a real life warm, milky, liquid hyperbola fountain in action.  That night I remember I was able to practice the floor cleaning skills I learned as a swabbie in the navy. And let it be known, for that job I had to get a top secret clearance.